


just be here now

by sunnysidedown



Category: The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue Series - Mackenzi Lee
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Pining, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 04:00:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11706384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnysidedown/pseuds/sunnysidedown
Summary: As always, the presence of Monty made the words try to bubble up and out of his throat, for Percy had two secrets and they were both dying to be free.





	just be here now

**Author's Note:**

> I've been picking at this for like a month. I heard that one song, Miserable At Best by Mayday Parade and made the mistake of associating it with Percy and Monty. Guess who started crying? It was me.
> 
> Anyway, this is literally just a bunch of angst. Nothing is happy. It was bound to happen with all the fluff I've been writing.
> 
> Look at it as a prequel of sorts to the book.

There was nothing and then suddenly Percy woke up in his room, his head splitting and every muscle in his body sore. He tried to piece his memories together. It was difficult to think through the fog in his mind. There was dinner, it was roast duck that he couldn’t eat, bread, and greens. He already wasn’t feeling well so he was eating alone, away from his aunt and uncle. The candle light flickered and flickered and flickered and then he was lying on his bed. He was glad to not come to on the floor this time.

His door creaked open. He turned his head and the new maid started almost dropping her tray. The tray rattled uncontrollably as she quickly entered the room and set it on the side table. She couldn’t get out fast enough.

The tray held a cup of water, some crackers, and a message asking after his health and to meet his aunt and uncle in the study the next morning. He had no appetite but the water cooled his throat and reinforced the vile taste lingering in his mouth. He did try to eat the crackers later in the day and he got up to flag a staff member to deliver a message to Monty. He was feeling ill so he won’t be over today. No he doesn’t have to come visit him. Yes, he will be at the party tomorrow.

Percy didn’t see his aunt nor his uncle, only the staff when they brought food but that was more on the fact that they were busy. He did receive messages from them through the staff. They arranged for a doctor stop by in the evening. He ended up sleeping most of the day away.

The next morning Percy fiddled with his shirt sleeves as he stood in front of the study door. Trepidation made him hesitate. The talk could be about anything. The Montagues were holding a party that night. It might be about his schooling though there wouldn’t be much to say about it since his grades were generally good. It was most likely about the epilepsy -- a new cure to try, a new ritual, a new lifestyle change.

He knocked and opened the door when his uncle bid him in. The walls were lined with shelves filled with books and knickknacks. Immediately in front of him was an imposing desk with papers stacked in neat piles on top of it. The plush chair behind the desk was empty. To the right both his aunt and uncle sat on one of two loveseats. The other loveseat was across from them separated by a low table. The table held a closed folder and a tea set handed down from his aunt’s side of the family.

“Take a seat, Percy.” His uncle gestured to the other loveseat. His aunt poured him a cup of tea and handed it to him before he sat down.

“Thank you.” He took a moment to sip the tea before setting it on the table. He barely tasted it. The looks on his guardians’ faces were not good ones. “What did you wish to see me about?” he asked.

His aunt took a delicate sip of tea before speaking. “We have some news for you Percy. Oh don’t look so glum. It’s good news.”

“This is regarding the tour of the Continent the younger Lord Montague will be taking this upcoming summer,” his uncle said. Percy’s breathing stopped in anticipation. “We know he has requested that you go along. We have thought about it and talked with the elder Lord Montague and have come to a decision. You will be making the trip with him.”

Whatever wary feelings that were swirling beneath his skin dissolved. Monty had been pushing for Percy to go with for ages. Percy never let himself get his hopes up. His breath left him in a silent sigh of relief. He wouldn’t have known what he would have done for a year without Monty. It would have certainly been dull. When Monty was at Eton and only came back for winter and summer break, the school terms felt long and unending.

“And once the tour has concluded, you will be going to Holland,” his aunt finished.

The words brought a halt to the swell of happiness in his chest. “Why?”

“Your aunt has been in contact with a sanatorium there. We think it’s time to try that option since nothing else seems to work.”

His words were a punch in the stomach. He didn’t know he was smiling until he felt the force of his frown. A sanatorium wasn’t an option. It was an end.

His aunt reached out like she was going to lay a comforting hand on his knee but aborted at the last minute to pick up her tea cup. “We’ve only heard good things about this place. It’s nothing like the one in London.”

A shiver ran up his spine. “But…” he trailed off. Just because there were rumors, it didn’t necessarily mean that they were true. He wanted to refuse to go. But before the words could reach the open air he saw the look in his aunt’s eyes. They were rimmed red. She was tried and she was scared, like he wasn’t tired and scared himself. But it couldn’t have been easy raising him and he just made it worse with the fits. These were the people that took him in when they could have left him in an orphanage and never looked back.

It was hard to swallow. He has lived his life in a predictable pattern for so long that the concept of a future without Monty in it, in some way or form, was inconceivable. This how it was supposed to go: Monty would go to the Continent for a year. Percy would continue his studies and apply for higher education. The distance would be hard, but it would be like when Monty was at Eton, they would write. Monty would come back and probably take over the estate. Percy would get a job and spend his evenings with Monty like they did already. They would take trips to London. Go on hunting trips. Play billiards. Hate Richard Peele together. Monty would probably eventually get married and it would hurt but they would still be friends and that would be enough. Monty would have kids and Percy would be the weird uncle that hung around and spoiled them rotten. They would both retire, grow old, and die. Now he had to figure out how to fit forever in a year and a half.

“It’s already been decided. They will have an opening for you when you arrive,” his uncle’s words were final. Percy stared back at him speechless.

“Percy, honey. Why don’t you get some rest? You still look rather ill,” his aunt said without meeting his eyes.

Percy nodded, stood, and left.

* * *

Later that day, Percy followed his aunt and uncle out of the carriage. The party started hours ago. Percy suspected they were late due to considerations to his current health. His aunt and uncle did ask if he wanted to stay home to rest, but Percy wanted to see Monty.

The staff must have announced their arrival because Lord Montague was waiting just inside the door to greet Percy’s uncle. Percy wasn’t even two steps in before he felt the familiar weight of arm around his shoulders forcing him to duck down a few inches.

“Percy, darling! Come this way!” Monty pulled him further into the house. Percy tossed a look back to his aunt and uncle. Their coats had been collected by the staff and Lord Montague guided them towards the banquet hall.

Monty led the way to the sunroom. It was sparsely decorated holding only a couch, a chair, a small table, and a few ornamental rugs. Large, screened windows that normally brought in an abundance of sunlight, now stood out as gaping black holes looking out into nothing. A few oil lamps lit up the room. Monty plopped down onto a couch dragging Percy with him but he didn’t stay sitting for long.

“Wait here,” Monty said and left the room.

The presence of Monty made words he had buried deep in his heart try to bubble up and out of his throat for Percy had two secrets and, as always, they were both dying to be free.

Now was as good of a time as ever to tell Monty about the fits. He had been meaning to for a while. Maybe a long while. It was never the right time. When the fits first started and when Monty first got back from Eton, well there were more important things to worry about. But now their time together was an hour glass unable to be tipped back over once it ran out.

Monty came back shortly, holding two glasses. “Here, cheers!”

Percy took the glass. It was champagne from the party. “Cheers for what?”

“For the Continent obviously!” Monty clinked his glass against Percy’s and downed it in one gulp. Percy smiled and took a small sip. “My father informed me this morning, but do you really have to go to law school afterwards?”

“Law school?”

“Yes in Holland.”

Whatever weak resolve Percy had built up towards a confession died in his throat. Of course his aunt and uncle wouldn’t tell the Montagues the real reason.

Monty moved to set his empty glass down. He must have set it down harder than he anticipated because he winced and withdrew his hand quickly.

“Are you alright?” Percy asked, glad for an excuse to change the subject.

Monty halfheartedly waved his good hand. “Oh you know… I fell.” He lied with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Percy didn’t push him. He had no right to. “I really should be asking if you are feeling well. Are you up for a dance?”

Monty didn’t mean a dance with Percy specifically, but his heart fluttered anyway. “I’m fine.”

“Well what are we waiting for? Let’s go!”

* * *

The banquet hall was seasonally decorated with wreaths and winter flowers. A large Christmas tree strung up with glass ornaments and stringy garland stood in front of the large window overlooking the backyard. Quiet music drifted from a string quartet set up in the corner. In front of the quartet, an area was cleared for couples to dance. Everywhere else guests milled about, swiping hors d’oeuvres and glasses of champagne from the staff weaving in and out of the crowd. Percy spotted Felicity surrounded by a few girls he recognized from town. His aunt was chatting with the heavily pregnant Lady Montague and a few other ladies and his uncle was trading stiff handshakes with his some of his coworkers. Percy and Monty merged with the crowd but stuck to the edges.

Monty sidled up to Percy. “You see that girl?” Percy followed his pointed finger towards the young lady in a flattering pink dress and nodded. “She’s been looking over here for a while. Do you think she’ll say yes if I ask her to dance?”

It was a question they both knew the answer to and Monty didn’t wait for one. He downed the rest of his champagne and placed it on the tray of a passing server. “Wish me luck,” he said with a wink and disappeared across the room.

Percy drifted away from the crowds. He moved closer to the quartet, not quite to the dance area but near enough to see when Monty led the girl out to the floor. He watched as Monty leaned in to whisper a secret and the girl’s head tilt back in a laugh. Percy propped himself against the wall with a heavy sigh. His head throbbed mildly, the lights felt a little too bright, the music a little too loud. He swirled the champagne in the glass, untouched from his first sip. His eyes slipped closed and he tried to keep his breathing even around the cotton in his throat.

Every note that vibrated from the strings of the instruments were a reminder of his second secret. He felt horrible but he felt worse with the knowledge of Monty dancing with someone that wasn’t him. The small flare of frustration wasn’t fair on his part because Monty didn’t know. A little more than a year, that’s all they had left. That’s all he had left before his life ended. Maybe he could tell him and play it off as a joke if he doesn’t react well. But if he does accept it, their time left together could possibly be brilliant.

Maybe he will never tell him. About the fits or about his feelings. Let Monty preserve in his mind his best friend who has always been healthy. Who has always been there, as a friend and nothing more. Let him be a happy memory, one that in years to come can be looked upon with nostalgia and fond smiles. That they parted and just lost touch due to the difficulties of communicating across seas. For himself, it would save him the pain of leaving a nice dream for a never ending nightmare. He would be left with all the could-haves and what-ifs, but those seemed more bearable than the risk of possible rejection.

He cracked his eyes open. They immediately found Monty like they had built in detectors. They were still dancing, though Monty was looking straight at him, frowning. Percy ducked his head. It was a party and he didn’t want to spoil the fun. The next time they turned and Monty broke eye contact, he slipped away to the balcony.

The winter air was cool on his flushed face. A light dusting of snow covered the floor. Out farther the yard was blanketed in white. The noise from the banquet hall was muted with the occasional laugh or shriek of excitement filtering through. Long shadows stretched to oblivion from the light of the house. Heavy clouds covered the sky, blocking out the stars and moon.

Every cold breath of air helped push down the growing sense of panic. It cleared his mind, froze his tears, loosened the tension in his shoulders, and broke up the growing ball of misery lodged in his chest. That is, until Monty came outside.

“It’s so cold out here!” Monty said, appearing by Percy’s side. His hands ran up and down his arms in an attempt to generate heat.

Percy answered with a shrug.

“Are you sure you’re alright? I mean, you looked fine two days ago. Did you suddenly catch a cold?” Monty placed a warm hand on Percy’s forehead. When he seemed satisfied he picked up Percy’s icy hand and rubbed it between his hands.

He could just tell him now. Tell him that he’s horribly jealous of anyone who even looks his way. Tell him that he has fits and he was getting sent to Holland after the tour not for law school but for epilepsy. It would be easy, just a couple of words, two if he wanted to be slightly vague.

But.

The lingering scent of alcohol mixed with a girl’s perfume and the memory of an unsteady hand setting down a glass kept those words in. “Yeah something like that.”

“You should be, I don’t know, lying down or something. Not out here. Let’s go in.” Monty tugged on his hand.

Percy resisted. “But your father’s party?”

“I've shown my face, danced a bit. He should be glad I didn't break anything.”

“The girl?”

“You’re more important. Now come on, you look terrible.” Monty tugged his hand again and this time Percy followed.

Percy was so full of emotion. Happiness, sadness, distress, fondness, love, anger, worry, fear. It swirled around under his skin, weighing down his limbs. It was a hard task not to break down on the way to Monty’s room.

Monty looked back at him and squeezed his hand tighter. It was like he was pulling him back up from sinking. Every step lifted him a little higher from the pit of despair he had been wallowing in since he got the news.

Monty’s room was dark except for a single candle by the door. Monty pulled Percy in and pushed him towards the bed. Percy floated adrift, a boat detached from its anchor. His legs bumped the side of the bed and he flopped down face first. Monty lit a few more candles around the room.

Maybe he was lucky. He had a year and a half before having to go to Holland. A full year of just him and Monty and the Continent. He could have been sent away at this moment but his aunt and uncle were giving this to him. Maybe they were holding on to that little string of hope that his fits would magically stop. Unlikely. Instead of a few days, instead of a few weeks, he had months before him to say goodbye.

“If you stay like that, you’ll suffocate.”

“Let me.” If felt like an odd role reversal.

“Don’t be so dramatic. Here.” Monty pulled at the blankets and prodded Percy until he complied and got under the covers.

Monty looked at a loss for what to do next. “Wait here. I’ll fetch you a glass of water.”

The door clicked close and Percy settled down into the covers. He took a deep breath, they smelled like Monty. Pressure began to build behind his eyes. A year and a half. It was going to be the best year and a half of their lives. Percy would make sure of it. Monty and him take on the Continent. And at the end of it, he will tell Monty one of his secrets. It was important for Monty to know that no matter what the future has in store for him, someone out there will love him.

Percy quickly wiped his face before Monty got back.

**Author's Note:**

> Not really 100% happy with this, but it's clogging up my desktop so here it is.
> 
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
